The Grieving of My Sun
and the rising of my moon.
Today
Today, I woke up and spent the first forty-five minutes of my day writhing around in pain on my bathroom floor. I had big plans for the day. And my body decided, nope. Today I will hijack all your plans.
Today, I had things to do, people to see and errands to run. And my body said ‘hey you, where do you think you’re going…’
‘Get back here and lie with me, feel with me, be with me. Sink into me.’
Today, I spent a full hour trying to make my breakfast. I got as far as slicing some olives into black halves, the salty juice staining my fingertips.
And she whispered again…
‘Surrender child. Lie down with me, rest on the kitchen floor.’
And so, I lay down, arching my spine and stretching my fingertips far and wide; calling out gently and wildly in hope that someone would scoop me up, wrap me in their arms and cradle my waning womb.
Last Night
Last night, I felt something terrible. It was so dark, so heavy and so consuming, that all I could do was lie there and let it squash me; a slab of concrete resting on my lungs. At the time, I thought it was fear.
At least it felt like fear…
Black ink ran through my veins, threatening to consume every inch of my pale pink skin. It filled my body with darkness and filled my eyes with sadness.
Last night, I stepped into taking part in an embodiment coaching session.
And we dived pretty f**king deep.
Two Years Ago
Two years ago, I received a life-changing diagnosis. One which told me in black and white, amongst shadowed words and papercut edges, that I was disabled. And in that moment, it hit me…
My life would never be the one that I had imagined.
Two years ago, I rejoiced at finally finding some answers.
And then, I went silent and numb.
A Few Months Ago
A few months ago, a therapist told me that I was holding a lot of grief.
‘Grief?!’ I laughed. No one had died.
Why on earth would I be experiencing grief?
Last Night
My body filled with darkness and my eyes filled with sadness, and inside I raged. I was so f**king angry, my insides overflowed; hot streams of tears ran down my mottled cheeks and I breathed, I breathed, I breathed.
I felt this anger in my cheeks, in my jaw and in my tightly gritted teeth.
And this anger stayed with me. Until, I welcomed it within me.
And I was guided to show it some love. Thank you anger, for guiding and protecting me. Thank you anger for stopping me from losing my sanity.
What’s beneath you anger? What do you have to say?
Beneath my anger, was etched my sadness. And beneath my sadness, was sown my grief. The grief that my life would not be as I had painted it to be.
The Grieving of My Sun
My life had always been sunbeams and roses, until the shit storm hit.
I had big dreams, big ideas and big plans; I was that happy-go-lucky girl, the one who had it all. I was the sun, shining brightly, burning wildly and paving her own way. My effervescent energy burning her way through galaxies; kicking up solar storms and energy wherever she went.
My sun served me well, until the lights went out.
One day she imploded and suddenly, every blue sky turned black.
I spent the next seven years, trying to find her light: trying to regain my power, trying to take back control, trying to paint every inch of darkness as an illuminated sky.
After seven years of battling chronic illness and constant darkness, I am relieved to say…
Last night, I found a new way.
In the grieving of my sun, I found my moon.
The Rising of My Moon
Today, I had big plans; my sun was kicking up her solar storm. But today, what I really needed was rest. Usually, I would push through, survive and conquer; rewire a fuse, hijack my own system and attempt to set the world on fire.
But today, my moon hijacked me.
‘Thank you moon, for making me listen.’
My moon is my gentle.
She is the voice inside that says ‘it’s allowed to be easy.’
She is my guiding force and my internal muse. She is the gentle light that glows in her own delicate way; she does not have to combust or implode to light up worlds, she simply reflects and refracts and restores.
I am done always searching for the sun.
And so, today I lie here on my bathroom floor and welcome a new way.
Thank you sun for everything, you have served me well.
Welcome moon, I honour you.
And choose to find the light that surrounds me now.
Thank you Walter Bowne for this beautiful sonnet that stole my soul today.
